Yesterday was Friday 13^th March 2020. The turning point for the Austrian citizens (and for most European countries) was that we were informed that from the next Monday on, all the shops will be shut down except supermarkets, banks, post offices and hospitals (not to mention that all the institutions and cultural events have been closed/cancelled for a few days now).

I found the news somewhat comforting. Although there are no events or social gatherings to go to (for our own benefit, and to protect others) but as long as the grocery stores are open, and we can get our basic needs, we will have enough entertainment for daily life – thanks to the internet, online courses… and maybe some families will finally have time to cook or have dinner together!

11 o’clock in the morning, I went to the Hofer supermarket in a shopping centre near my home, just intending to get some food for the weekend. I passed by the toilet paper area and was surprised to find that it was empty already. A man asked the staff whether there is some more in stock and the staff suggested he shop online and have them delivered…

What is this obsession with toilet paper, if we were assured that the supermarkets will be open? Why there are so many picture jokes about toilet paper on the internet, chats, and still people are panicking about not having enough? And why this fear that when we see some people buying more than they need, we feel pressure to do the same?

‘Corona time’ is the time to reflect on our own behaviour. If the current situation is teaching us to live with the minimum, to only have the essentials in a minimalist style, why can’t we be less selfish? Didn’t we realise yet that we live in a world where we’re so connected, that when one person sneezes in China, five continents shake?

I went home, feeling sad and disappointed with human nature. I wish the federal president of Austria would make another nice speech to calm the citizens’ fear of not having enough toilet paper at home!

I started to think, what can I do to be more useful to the people/to the world and at the same time to combine my creativity in the “Corona staycation”? -Something I love doing but didn’t have time for? And that’s how I started to write this article.

I’m challenging myself to write everyday, to learn something new (it can be about a famous artist, musician or dancer, or any new subject. Or writing a poem, simply to dive into creativity), and to share them with you (as short versions). And hopefully to share some inspiration around.

The first person who came into my mind, was Nina Simone (1933-2003). After talking to a dear friend on FaceTime, I learned that there is documentary about her, and luckily it is on Netflix. The title is: “What Happened, Miss Simone?”

I remember the first time I listened to Nina Simone was almost 20 years ago, and at that time I couldn’t listen to her for long because I found that there is something in her voice which attracts me but also hurts me at the same time, like there is too much sadness. I then paid more attention to Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald, and I totally forgot about Nina till I got the “dance crush” for swing dancing.

It was one social dance evening, that night the music was focussed at a faster tempo so we were supposed to dance shag or balboa. As a musician I pay very much attention to the music we dance to, and suddenly I realised that our DJ had put on a piece of music which was original and fantastically played. It was fast piano music, you would recognise that the pianist had tremendous skills and flew all over the keyboard.

I had to ask what that was. The answer was – Nina Simone.

Damn! I thought that she was only a singer with a very special, almost masculine voice, but I didn’t know that she was a piano virtuoso!

“Oh yes, her childhood dream was to become the very first black concert pianist” – our DJ lady told me.

So today, by watching this documentary I came to know her, and now I know why her intensity scared me for so long! – her life was a drama!

First of all, I don’t need to explain how much struggle black people had in that time in the U.S. Her talent was recognised by two white ladies and she began to study the piano seriously with them at the age of eight. Her childhood was like that of typical classical musicians; we spend long hours practising on our own. The worst of all was that when she had free time she wanted to play with other kids, but the white kids rejected her, and the black kids only wanted her to play the piano so that they could dance to the music! She never felt that she belonged to any of the two groups.

She didn’t become a jazz singer of her own will, but she had no other choice!

She wanted to study at the Curtis Institute but wasn’t accepted because of her race. After some time she ran out of money, and then started to work as a pianist in a night club, working from twelve to seven straight through. Apparently the manager told her on the second day, that if she wanted to stay in the job, instrumental piano music was not enough, she would have to sing. And that’s how she started singing.

For me it was hard to imagine, that someone could produce such beautiful music out of survival needs! She couldn’t have the career she wanted, but she transformed her emotions, struggles and thoughts into her performances. She is someone that once you listened to her voice, you’d recognise the next time immediately!

There is one song I like particularly (to dance to), which is called “My baby just cares for me”. The text is sweet and the tune is very light-hearted, when I dance to it I can almost fall in love with the dance partner no matter who that is! Nina first sang the song when she was 29, and she continued performing this song through out her career. But I wonder who was “that baby” she thinking about? Her husband or other lovers?

Her husband was her best manager; from the documentary we could see that they were madly in love and that he was good for her in the early years. He made her career grew worldwide and she made her debut at Carnegie Hall- her dream of being a pianist in the most prestigious hall, but not playing Bach! But while they were together he beat her up; Nina couldn’t leave him because she loved him and he organised her concerts. There is no surprise that later she suffered from depression because of the busy concert schedule and the family violence. When she couldn’t live with her husband any more, she went to Africa looking for her own peace, brought her daughter with her and also started to beat her up!

There is a lot to tell about Nina. She was an activist, she sang a lot of civil rights songs to awaken young black people. But what inspired me especially in the documentary was the bit where she talked about “freedom”, “being free”. She was actually referring the magic of piano playing on the stage, that she felt free, and freedom for her means “without fear”.

Remember this came from an artist who didn’t have the freedom to choose her own career!

Why am I talking about this? I know it’s strange to mix Nina Simone and the toilet paper business, but this is exactly what’s happening right now.

The fear of lockdown and of this dramatic change, are making people lose their minds. Because our brains like what we’re used to, any change tends to make us feel insecure. To have less is making us feeling uncomfortable, although some changes can be beneficial.

We had too much and never questioned if we needed that much.

We polluted our environment by overdoing everything: the flights, the factories, the cars, the ships, the over produced clothes, the animal farming…

This is the exact right time to reflection what’s important for us, what’s the true value, who/what do you care for, and what does it mean to “go back to normal”? And if it does all go back to normal, do we want the world to be the same as before? What can we do to make it better?

We had too much freedom but too little love, too little care for the people and the world we’re living in…

What is loneliness? Loneliness is simple to explain, it’s when you are in a zone that is not connected to the outside world or to others. You can feel lonely both in the crowd and in solitude. You constantly magnify your thoughts in this world of your own, even double their power, because at this time you just want to (or chose to) live your own feelings – you think too much about yourself! (No one cares about you, no one cares what you are doing, you want to find a friend to hang out with, but everyone is busy with their family or career, because you are a rare single person at your age in this society…)

As for artists, solitude matters, because if you can’t enjoy being alone, you can’t practice or create. No calm, no wisdom .

However, when you are alone, please don’t forget to love yourself, truly cherish yourself, encourage yourself, and talk to yourself with the language of love and motivation. In fact, you know that love is not to chase after, and the more you look for it, the more eager you are, you just let love run farther and farther away…

We always pursue things we don’t have. When you can’t see love in you, “love” can’t see you either.

Don’t think about what you don’t have, don’t criticize why you haven’t fulfilled your dreams, don’t feel that you haven’t done well enough. Taking care of your own thoughts is the first lesson of loving yourself.

Your being is love – why do you search for it? And sharing love is the only way to feel connected, to not feel lonely.

To help others, to move people with art, to act and to express concern for loved ones and friends. We share love with words, with music, with literature, with creation, with mathematics, with teaching, with architecture, with pop culture, with a smile to strangers… It turns out that we so want to connect with others, but this is because both loneliness and love exist at the same time.

So don’t be afraid of loneliness, everyone was born alone and will die alone, what’s more to be feared is to have an unloving heart.

If you can feel love when you are alone, that you are grateful for what’s available around you, you’ll find that even being on your own, that you are able to cook, to eat, to wash, and to walk healthily, to jog, to exercise… how wonderful it is just simply living! How nice it is that when missing my family and friends, I can get through on the phone and talk to them, to share the little things in life! Even though right now I can only brush my teeth with my left hand and slowly finish an article with my left hand… I still have a left hand available, what a godsend!

We often are so absorbed in everyday life, and forget that life is a miracle. To find some little things which make us smile everyday is paradise on earth.

So this time, I went from a lonely heartache to a physical pain. But in the process of healing, I learned to “love myself.”

As a professional violinist to have a cycling accident, which caused a broken collarbone, to have at least a month on sick leave, is not funny. But don’t worry, it’s not a story about self- pity, or how sad it has been not to be able to play for a while. Sadness has its own value in existence, and our mind can create immense energy which can suddenly bring us into a positive state.

My accident was simple. The official version I’ve told people was that that I was riding home from work, just a few meters from where I live, and I looked up the mountains as it was a beautiful sunny day, I thought about what I should do later in the afternoon, and at the same time I hit the curb, lost my balance, fell off the bike and somehow landed on my right shoulder very badly. And because it was so painful, that it reminded me of the car accident I had 15 years ago, so I decided to go to the emergency room straight away. I wanted to get checked that I didn’t break anything, to make sure that I’ll be ok to play in a day or two, but unfortunately the X-ray showed that I had broken my collarbone.

This is the actual fact, but I didn’t tell everyone about my emotions, what was really happening the moment I crashed.

I was sad, and I had been sad for a while. I had had a very poor sleep pattern for almost a month, because of a “similar situation” of a heart-break. Letting go of a relationship which never happened. In fact, specifically that week I had decided to focus my energy on my personal progress in life, I was planning things I wanted to do, to be active in every aspect.

The moment I looked up the mountains, I was just thinking what I’d like to do in such beautiful weather: I could have a stroll in the forest, go running, do yoga in my garden… and suddenly I asked myself: why am I doing all these beautiful things alone?

This immense inexplicable loneliness, sadness filled my heart, and in a second my eyes were filled with tears. The next thing I knew was that I fell off, I was on the ground, and I experienced a physical pain much worse than my loneliness.

In a way I was still very lucky, there was a nice woman behind me who got off her motorbike and helped me, a farmer in a truck stopped and asked if he should call the ambulance… and besides the collarbone I didn’t hurt my head or break any fingers!

I was in shock of course, and I did cry when the doctor said that I had broken my collarbone and couldn’t play for a month. After a few days of only using the left arm and hand, I realised that it has been a hard lesson to teach me to cherish every movement I can, every moment that I can enjoy.

I realised how precious it is when I am on my own being absolutely healthy. The ability to be a good violinist or a musician, is not a coincidence. I somehow didn’t value what I’ve achieved, instead I had always looked at the things I didn’t have, the goals I am chasing, and asked why I didn’t succeed. In a way I could say that I didn’t love myself enough.

Do you know how good that feels, when you get dressed/undressed freely moving your arms? Brushing your teeth normally without thinking how to do it? To comb your hair? To go shopping carrying stuff with both hands? To be able to jog and do stretching movements? At this moment I am also thankful that I can use my left hand to type this article.

We take how things are or the abilities we have for granted because they have been normal for us.

I had a conversation some time ago with friends, and I said that after a certain age I’ve found that life is just boring, that we all know that actually life is empty, nothing stays and everything changes, and what we’ve been doing is just to fulfil ourselves, to discover things we are passionate about, to motivate ourselves in order to live meaningfully. But my friend answered that the fact that we’re born, that life is given to us by our parents, is already a huge gift.

An accident like mine didn’t happen for no reason, and deep down I knew that I caused it to happen, that I asked for a hard lesson. The same mind which had gathered so many negative thoughts can gather positive energies as well, if I choose to look at my life differently! But it seems easier to be hard on ourselves than to be kind.

So right now, I’m taking time to heal myself – physically and emotionally, to breathe in and out slowly, to see a little joy every day, to cook slowly with my left hand, to ask for help when I need it, to watch the autumn leaves turning red and yellow, and to see the wind blowing the dancing leaves.

The month I had decided to do lots of things turns out to be a rest month, but what changes inside me is more than the external things I can do.

– 21^st March 2018, the beginning of Spring-

She’s smiling while you’re taking pictures of her

Sitting on the grass in your mystical forest

Sun comes shining through…

“Such a brilliant smile with positive energy! I love it”

– Your comment.

But truly, she hides her aching heart behind the smile

Even when she looks at the pictures herself

She believes that she is happy

The sadder she gets, the more she laughs

The more beautiful her smile is, the more her heart breaks into pieces

Your visit soothes her, allows her to look at her surroundings with different eyes

To escape from the aloneness

One of the reasons why she loves to have visitors

Things always get very interesting toward the end,

When it’s time to say goodbye

You are facing ever more tasks in life, but you’re explaining some of the NLP techniques to her. You want her to believe that she really can have what she wants and deserves, that she can change from her inner self.

“Life takes our hands and leads us to our goals”.

She follows your words and imagines herself doing the exercises, tries to feel the words bringing warmth and positivity… and suddenly found herself crying.

She doesn’t know what happened, maybe she is moved by your concern and your wanting to help, or because it’s the moment to say goodbye to a dear friend, or something breaks her from the old self; that she really wants to change, from the bottom of her soul.

To escape from the changing, or the opportunity to change has made her comfortable, and scared at the same time. She has chosen not to complain, but to shut herself up and not to think about the reality.

Through your shining eyes you said

“There are 7 opportunities to change our lives everyday – according to some psychologists”

She knows. In fact she knows a lot already, but her lack of motivation has been holding her back. She knows that too…

I don’t know how true it is

That god only gives you what you can handle

But you’re certainly one of the angels being sent to her

She cries while hugging you

Smiles while leaving you

She knows that

Some deep sorrow she’s experienced today

She’ll explain with laughter years later.