As a professional violinist to have a cycling accident, which caused a broken collarbone, to have at least a month on sick leave, is not funny. But don’t worry, it’s not a story about self- pity, or how sad it has been not to be able to play for a while. Sadness has its own value in existence, and our mind can create immense energy which can suddenly bring us into a positive state.
My accident was simple. The official version I’ve told people was that that I was riding home from work, just a few meters from where I live, and I looked up the mountains as it was a beautiful sunny day, I thought about what I should do later in the afternoon, and at the same time I hit the curb, lost my balance, fell off the bike and somehow landed on my right shoulder very badly. And because it was so painful, that it reminded me of the car accident I had 15 years ago, so I decided to go to the emergency room straight away. I wanted to get checked that I didn’t break anything, to make sure that I’ll be ok to play in a day or two, but unfortunately the X-ray showed that I had broken my collarbone.
This is the actual fact, but I didn’t tell everyone about my emotions, what was really happening the moment I crashed.
I was sad, and I had been sad for a while. I had had a very poor sleep pattern for almost a month, because of a “similar situation” of a heart-break. Letting go of a relationship which never happened. In fact, specifically that week I had decided to focus my energy on my personal progress in life, I was planning things I wanted to do, to be active in every aspect.
The moment I looked up the mountains, I was just thinking what I’d like to do in such beautiful weather: I could have a stroll in the forest, go running, do yoga in my garden… and suddenly I asked myself: why am I doing all these beautiful things alone?
This immense inexplicable loneliness, sadness filled my heart, and in a second my eyes were filled with tears. The next thing I knew was that I fell off, I was on the ground, and I experienced a physical pain much worse than my loneliness.
In a way I was still very lucky, there was a nice woman behind me who got off her motorbike and helped me, a farmer in a truck stopped and asked if he should call the ambulance… and besides the collarbone I didn’t hurt my head or break any fingers!
I was in shock of course, and I did cry when the doctor said that I had broken my collarbone and couldn’t play for a month. After a few days of only using the left arm and hand, I realised that it has been a hard lesson to teach me to cherish every movement I can, every moment that I can enjoy.
I realised how precious it is when I am on my own being absolutely healthy. The ability to be a good violinist or a musician, is not a coincidence. I somehow didn’t value what I’ve achieved, instead I had always looked at the things I didn’t have, the goals I am chasing, and asked why I didn’t succeed. In a way I could say that I didn’t love myself enough.
Do you know how good that feels, when you get dressed/undressed freely moving your arms? Brushing your teeth normally without thinking how to do it? To comb your hair? To go shopping carrying stuff with both hands? To be able to jog and do stretching movements? At this moment I am also thankful that I can use my left hand to type this article.
We take how things are or the abilities we have for granted because they have been normal for us.
I had a conversation some time ago with friends, and I said that after a certain age I’ve found that life is just boring, that we all know that actually life is empty, nothing stays and everything changes, and what we’ve been doing is just to fulfil ourselves, to discover things we are passionate about, to motivate ourselves in order to live meaningfully. But my friend answered that the fact that we’re born, that life is given to us by our parents, is already a huge gift.
An accident like mine didn’t happen for no reason, and deep down I knew that I caused it to happen, that I asked for a hard lesson. The same mind which had gathered so many negative thoughts can gather positive energies as well, if I choose to look at my life differently! But it seems easier to be hard on ourselves than to be kind.
So right now, I’m taking time to heal myself – physically and emotionally, to breathe in and out slowly, to see a little joy every day, to cook slowly with my left hand, to ask for help when I need it, to watch the autumn leaves turning red and yellow, and to see the wind blowing the dancing leaves.
The month I had decided to do lots of things turns out to be a rest month, but what changes inside me is more than the external things I can do.